Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Memories are all that we are left with

I think I'm at a point in my life where I've learnt to accept changes as they come. Acceptance was something I never learnt, or refused to learn. So much has happened in the past 6 months that I've been forced to grow up and to embrace life as it is, however unpleasant it may be. Sometimes I wonder what exactly is God planning... surely I don't need to go through so much pain to gain that little understanding. I couldn't explain it, but I prayed fervently for an answer and strange things happened in my life which I haven't spoken to a single soul about. But I guess those were the answers for me. And time, however cliche, really does have a way to work its magic on me. The piercing ache in the heart has subsided, but I won't deny there is still a deep longing for a certain someone I could never hold again.

My friends asked how did I walked out of it all, and I am stumped. I don't have an answer, but I do have a glimmer of hope for the future. I just learnt to live life as it is, and learn to let go of whatever is not within my means to change. Letting go completely is... heart wrenching and tough but there really isn't much I could do either. There are days when memories enveloped me whole leaving me tearing on trains and lone bus rides and nights I could never get through alone, but midnight calls to my best friends never once failed to get me through to the next day. Till date, I have no answer but I strive to be happy everyday...or get past the day a little stronger than yesterday. Such love, I will never experience again and I only want to keep the beautiful memories with me because it's all that I've left.

Despite the bad, 2012 has found me wonderful new friends and brought me closer to a couple of old friends which I am immensely grateful for, especially the bond between my homies of 8 years. Long midnight calls to 5am in the morning, catching up over ciggs and drinks or simply over a short dinner. All good things come to an end. I am well aware, and I really do cherish and appreciate all these people around me now cause I'm not leaving any room for regrets.

I'm not even 21, but I feel age catching up with me. Or is the the weight of the world on my shoulders? I've grown wiser.. but I'm duller. Maybe it's the work load from school, or maybe because I can never open up my heart fully again. I've been so uninspired and disheartened that I no longer put in as much efforts into photography, however much I love it still. I am my worst critic, and I ended up so frustrated with my photos that I delete 3/4 of them away or make do with ridiculous editings. I no longer have the zest when I am out on adventure trips and I can never carry my camera and bag together for more than half an hour without my entire upper torso aching. Am I 40 years old without me knowing?

The future holds so much uncertainty that it scares me too much.. and school work is zapping the remaining bit of my energy and time away. I am supposed to plan out my future by this year but I am clueless and I already have too much on my hands to cope. I'm trying so hard to stay afloat. D has been incredible, and I thank God for him. For loving, doting, caring and protecting me all the time. He has saved me so many times from slipping and falling in public and bringing me for crab feasts/ nice din dins ( we are crazy addicts) just to keep me happy. Someone asked about my V'day and I'm sorry to disappoint but there was no celebration this year because I had too much work on hand so we had to shelve our Titanic plans to another day (which we've been to already, and we love it). But he was nice enough to attempt to surprise me with an Oreo Cheesecake that he baked, but I spoiled all his surprise as usual, and we spent the rest of the day doing my assignments at home. No flowers and no teddy bears because I abhor those money wasting gimmicks. There, that's my V'day for you but I'm happy.

Having said all of that, I cannot undo my past mistakes, but I can make the best out of the present. 2012 hasn't been a smooth year thus far, but I will continue to be a better person even if it's in minuscule ways.


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