Breathe

These days,  I've been indulging in a number of reads with the time I have shuffling to and fro work. I like how reading seems to let time come to a standstill, and allows me the time to get engrossed and forget about the world  Certain books didn't need to be philosophical but it was enough for me to relate it to my own life.

I remembered the days when I was in secondary 1, and my friends and I would scramble to sit on the last row of the bus when we head out for excursions because sitting on the last row was cool and we would sing loudly to F4 and 5566 songs that we knew like the back of our hands. We did all we can to anger our teachers, we wore our uniforms in the most ridiculous ways ever and got suspended for the silliest things. When the time came for us to split at the end of secondary two, we cried our hearts out together. I'm glad it hadn't changed a thing between us throughout the upper secondary years even though we've tamed our hearts and did what good students should do. When the time came for separation, I think I cried my heart out because I couldn't believe the people I lived with for four years are going separate ways now. Little did I know that I would experience a tremendous heartache of my life in 4 years' time and meet even more people in the polytechnic that I found hard to part with as well.

Needless to say, the woes of growing up hit as I hit 21 and it made me rethink about all the silly problems in the past I thought I had but were in fact, nothing compared to what I have experienced these years. In my head, I replayed over and over the memories and scenes of past joy and sadness. Every now and then, feeling like this right now, is a worse that's far too huge. In retrospect, there are some mistakes I should never have made. But I also should have known that time really does heal certain things. Maybe not fully, maybe not in the short run, but eventually it will. Humans forget and they move on. I am human too. Tonnes of things have changed, some friends left, and new ones came onboard.

"Things change, friends leave. Life doesn't stop for anybody."

I remembered how I started taking my first paid photoshoot and I was all jittery, I couldn't sleep the day before and I didn't even dare to go alone. The first shoot that I took on was kind of forced upon me, and I did it out of favour and I doubted my own work. Over time, I took on more and more jobs and it was then that I grew more certain that this is my destiny. It's been almost 2 years thus far. How time flies, and this scares me. When shoots got so hectic last year, I basically did not allow myself to have a single rest day and worked my ass off. The reason why I got to go on trips that people perceive as "often" because, I work every day of my life that no one else sees. People see the pictures I posted on my trips and think that I lead a good life. It is a good life, because I am blessed to have been able to travel to all destinations on my list for 2013. If you were to break it down, most people have the weekends off weekly, and I utilise them by going on a short trip once every 2 months which really isn't too much since I slog my guts out the rest of the days I am in Singapore. No complaints because I'd rather have it this way. It gives me a million reasons to give thanks for my trips and really feeling the gratitude right down to my toes.

However, it has also caused an imbalanced lifestyle for me because I barely had time for myself and the people around me. Every dinner I had, I'm worrying about the paid backlogs I needed to clear and the deadlines after deadlines thrown at me. I had no time to read, which I've been yearning to do all year long. I had the wakeup call I needed and finally readjusted my life for the ones I love, and to learn to love myself more. When it's the time to rest, rest.  This has made me a happier person overall, because I finally felt like I was in control of my life and my wellbeing was improving. I dare not say it's a vast improvement now, but things are looking up for me. I'm going to make a conscious effort to keep this space updated on time. Keyword: on time. Now it's time to declare that no frustration will rob me of my joy and life. I need to breathe and fix my gaze on the route to victory that's like the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep chasing and keep believing, and I will get there one day.

The time has also come for me to move on to bigger and better things and I feel it right down to every fibre of my being that the change is happening now and I'm glad I'm moving with the flow. This is my year and I will make it good.

Last night, I received a really long and encouraging text from a friend who has watched me take my first baby steps in this industry and stuck with me throughout. Through and through, she witnessed every bit of effort I've placed in this industry.

"I don't know if it's just me or the rest of the people don't understand photography? Or maybe because I like photography so I will usually take extra notice to photos. These two recent series you did really surprised me, and you know I am very particular about colours, mood and how clean the photos are. You really have the eye for angles, the angles you took were fucking good, I could imagine a bride with her flying veil. The lines, the stairs and the concrete, the silverish ambience and if it were a real bride, I'm sure you can send in for competition.

What a pity Fiona, a pity that you are still young and not convincing enough because of your age. Pity that some clients make you do so much and are unappreciative. It's okay Fee. Someday, someone will recognise you. Your hard work and efforts will pay off. People will come to you for your style instead of you having to accommodate people. One day you will stand out and shine brighter than the others. It's just a matter of time before we get to the finishing line. Happiness is wealth okay Fiona. You must always remember not to be so hard on yourself. 

You are brave enough to take a step and enter this industry, now you must learn to take another step back and find your own identity. You are not spending enough time with yourself. Take a break and ideas/inspirations/reflections don't come overnight. Once you have rested enough and found your new identity, opportunities will come knocking and people will love you for your style."

You have no idea how much these words mean to me especially when you told me that you will never give up on me the other time. Thank you for giving me renewed strength and for empathising with me when I get really grumpy because of the lack of sleep. Thank you for continually watching over me and protecting me like your little sister and best friend. We may bicker and get annoyed with one another, but I know that this sisterhood is here to stay. I'll always have your back, and I'll make sure that we make it to the end of the tunnel together.

Not forgetting, the best boyfriend on earth who taught me to love fiercely and fight for what I love. For tirelessly lending me support on days I am knackered and uninspired. Likewise, I'll be strong for you while you fight to carve a career for yourself now. It's all for better days ahead of us, for the both of us.

xx